Brats in foodland

OK, people, Lesson No. 1 one in child rearing: When you reproduce, you are no longer allowed the luxury of toting your progeny along with about six or 10 of your friends' progeny to white-tablecloth restaurants. Do you know how many little tatterdemalions that makes? It's a lot, depending on how many times you and your friends have popped one out.

I love kids and kids love me. I have proof. But there are only four appropriate eating places for that many snot-nosed pups -- McDonald's, Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Hut and possibly American Girl Place in Chicago. This rule is for the good of everyone involved. It's why Chuck E. Cheese was invented.

If you don't follow this rule, something bad might happen. For example, the other people in the restaurant might keep glaring at you, the pastel-colored and matching moms, while you obliviously eat your Cobb salad and your kids dump spaghetti on the floor. And who knows? One day someone might just freak out, snatch one of the miniature darlings and mop the spaghetti off the floor with him.

I'm just saying. Something bad might happen. It's an outrage.